confessions of an angsty teenager.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
anger anger anger
¶ 12:21 AM 1 comments
i havn't written in for fucking ever. maybe its because im keeping 2 other school diaries. but in those i sort of keep track of what goes on at school. maybe ill just stop those and carry on this. whatever im fucking gay. its midnight and im awake as usual, though very tired. as soon as i download the new aim ill go to sleep. i fucking hate borat; i dont understand why it so accepted. its completely ignorant and offensive, and here sit obnoxious overweight americans laughing their thick heads off at some guy faking an accent. its just fucking pathetic. so i suppose we're all supposed to watch and be amused at other countries and their 'stupid' people while georgia w.bush, the leader of this shithole googles himself. and then we sit here and pick our noses and wonder why we get spit on in other countries. im fucking embarrassed for us. im just a typical angry teen, angry at the government and angry at the world. now im going to go to sleep so i can wake up tomorrow with perfectly messed up hair and eyeline, some bad one hit wonder playing in the background, slip on some random clothes (all black of course) and look pissed off as i slam around the car door.
Friday, October 20, 2006
BREAKING NEWS
JAMES RYAN JUST FUCKING MESSAGED ME! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ill totally put the conversation in here as soon as i finish talking to him. i thought he was in placement?
alright so a week or two ago i messaged him and said 'ill understand if you never talk to me again. im worried about you for what its worth? '
he just repled and said '<3>
so i was about to be like WHOOOOL FACK WHERE ART THOU? but i just aasked 'where are you?'
and he's like (of course) 'placement... cant talk gimmie your # now.. '
okay so i give it to him and start freaking out becaue my voice is fucking nasty. my phone rings and i pick it up and prectically croak hello, but its for my mom. egh, nearly gave me a heart attack! so he replies and says 'im thinkin of you all the time ! ill call u next wed' and i dont think he got it, but i replied 'aw okay i miss you so much'
its funny how life works out. we're MADE for each other. shall i tell the whole story? no one cares but here goes. a long, LONG time ago i made a typical drunk birdy mistake and hooked up with someone who was very influential in hermosa. it sort of but not really ruined my reputation in a jealous girls sort of way. id seen james around and i thought he was a total crackhead. which he was. literally. anyways the next day i was sulking around, and sarah (my best friend at the same...man this shit was long ago) and i were at the donut shop. i was eating cup o'noodle. hah alright he skates up and asks me something along the lines of 'whats wrong?'. so i tell him and ehh blah blah blah...next thing you know we have two forties and we're on top of the parking structure. im really drunk and we're making out and...the rest is history. his friends have a problem with me, its the end of my kiddie friends. we were insperable for three days, the longest three days of my life. the last night was the biggest even of my life so far...breakwall night. thats what we call it. the one night that ruined all my chances. if it werent for that night, who knows how fucking big i'd of been by now. anyways, i got REALLY really REALLY drunk, and ehh, i dont remember. there are many versions of what went down that night. at the end of it all i was crying my ass off and i went home with james. my dad called the cops and i got picked up at james' house around 2 am. still drunk. that was the end of permanent hermosa. im not going to go over EVERYTHING, but that was like...the first and biggest thing that led to the downfall of me in hermosa. this summer i was sort of up there again...about james though...it was strange. he was actually scene for a while...a total fag...lost a lot of friends...gained a lot. he didnt talk then...but this was before summer. during summer he ran away from placement and became a total wigger. forgot how it happened but his house became the summer house. every day...wake up...get money, get booze, head up there. wasnt great, but i couldnt have asked for more. we werent together though. i remember the first time i saw him. on the pier. he was so quiet. i was all loud and everyone around me was talking to me and i was wearing the shortest shorts ever. back to his house. i sort of began coming on to his brother...then more strongly. unfortunatley samantha the skank ass ho got in my way. well james and i fought a lot..then i hooked up with jesse. i didnt really notice that i was fucking jams over. he was so bitter though! i didnt know what to do. i didnt realize till later HOW many times ive fucked him over. well, the romance was sort of gone, you know? then lana ms crazy bitch banned me from hermosa and...well, yeah.but james and i. i dont know. maybe im just dramatic...but we have a thing.very off and on. but its all i have, you know? hah my mom just had kema over...this one chick she used to be really good friends with. and we were talking about boyfriend. and mom was like SHE IS TOO YOUNG TO WORRYING ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT. i told her she was old fashioned. i mean HONESTLY. shes have a heart attack if i ever had the talk with her.( i know i sound like a tramp. but i know my limits.) hah kema was like..please just dont become a lesbo. thats all that matters. shes a chill ass mom. she was like 'kids are going to drink and smoke...what are you going to do?' hah alright im out now. write later.
¶ 12:40 PM 1 comments
alright so a week or two ago i messaged him and said 'ill understand if you never talk to me again. im worried about you for what its worth? '
he just repled and said '<3>
so i was about to be like WHOOOOL FACK WHERE ART THOU? but i just aasked 'where are you?'
and he's like (of course) 'placement... cant talk gimmie your # now.. '
okay so i give it to him and start freaking out becaue my voice is fucking nasty. my phone rings and i pick it up and prectically croak hello, but its for my mom. egh, nearly gave me a heart attack! so he replies and says 'im thinkin of you all the time ! ill call u next wed' and i dont think he got it, but i replied 'aw okay i miss you so much'
its funny how life works out. we're MADE for each other. shall i tell the whole story? no one cares but here goes. a long, LONG time ago i made a typical drunk birdy mistake and hooked up with someone who was very influential in hermosa. it sort of but not really ruined my reputation in a jealous girls sort of way. id seen james around and i thought he was a total crackhead. which he was. literally. anyways the next day i was sulking around, and sarah (my best friend at the same...man this shit was long ago) and i were at the donut shop. i was eating cup o'noodle. hah alright he skates up and asks me something along the lines of 'whats wrong?'. so i tell him and ehh blah blah blah...next thing you know we have two forties and we're on top of the parking structure. im really drunk and we're making out and...the rest is history. his friends have a problem with me, its the end of my kiddie friends. we were insperable for three days, the longest three days of my life. the last night was the biggest even of my life so far...breakwall night. thats what we call it. the one night that ruined all my chances. if it werent for that night, who knows how fucking big i'd of been by now. anyways, i got REALLY really REALLY drunk, and ehh, i dont remember. there are many versions of what went down that night. at the end of it all i was crying my ass off and i went home with james. my dad called the cops and i got picked up at james' house around 2 am. still drunk. that was the end of permanent hermosa. im not going to go over EVERYTHING, but that was like...the first and biggest thing that led to the downfall of me in hermosa. this summer i was sort of up there again...about james though...it was strange. he was actually scene for a while...a total fag...lost a lot of friends...gained a lot. he didnt talk then...but this was before summer. during summer he ran away from placement and became a total wigger. forgot how it happened but his house became the summer house. every day...wake up...get money, get booze, head up there. wasnt great, but i couldnt have asked for more. we werent together though. i remember the first time i saw him. on the pier. he was so quiet. i was all loud and everyone around me was talking to me and i was wearing the shortest shorts ever. back to his house. i sort of began coming on to his brother...then more strongly. unfortunatley samantha the skank ass ho got in my way. well james and i fought a lot..then i hooked up with jesse. i didnt really notice that i was fucking jams over. he was so bitter though! i didnt know what to do. i didnt realize till later HOW many times ive fucked him over. well, the romance was sort of gone, you know? then lana ms crazy bitch banned me from hermosa and...well, yeah.but james and i. i dont know. maybe im just dramatic...but we have a thing.very off and on. but its all i have, you know? hah my mom just had kema over...this one chick she used to be really good friends with. and we were talking about boyfriend. and mom was like SHE IS TOO YOUNG TO WORRYING ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT. i told her she was old fashioned. i mean HONESTLY. shes have a heart attack if i ever had the talk with her.( i know i sound like a tramp. but i know my limits.) hah kema was like..please just dont become a lesbo. thats all that matters. shes a chill ass mom. she was like 'kids are going to drink and smoke...what are you going to do?' hah alright im out now. write later.
¶ 12:40 PM 1 comments
i live a crazy life.
the weirdest thing happened. i was in bed, about to fall asleep, and the seriousness of death hit me. like, thats it. all life as you know it is gone. just forever. like we were never here in the first place. i was bawling for an hour. i now understand why people believe in heaven and the afterlife and wha tnot. anyways i dont really want to think about it. oh, two nights ago, i did something i havn't done for a long, long time. i'd just eaten a lot of food and i realized that i hadn't puked in a while. so i tried, but it didnt work so i gave up. i realized i'd been trying all wrong, so i did a mini-binge and...lo and behold...i was able to make it all come back up. i know this is horrible and wrong but im not writing this to prove to everyone how well i fulfill my ethical fucking responsabilities. it was good, though. i was in a middle of an ocd panic attack so it felt right. i dont know what im going to do. i know im at an age where im 'finding myself', but come on. why is god being this hard on me? i get shunned from a city i love with all my heart because people think i cant keep my legs crossed (i beg to differ), i have a perfectly cliche dysfunctional family, im all curious about how the world works, then i struggle with weight issues, discovering my personal style, and my love life. i hate anything cliche with all my heart, yet i am a living cliche. and another thing. i cant ENJOY anything. no, scrath that. i cant experience anything, whether it be good or bad, without enjoying it at the back of my mind. when im with friends, im always thinking 'heh, im bonding! in 5 years we'll think back to this and laugh!'. during my whole reaction to the finality of death thing, it was pretty intense but somewhere inside me it was like 'heh, look. im realizing what death is. im realizing something serious on my own. im coming to terms with myself. im going to become bitter from knowledge-overload'. im scared thats how its going to be forever. everything that happens im going to count as a learning fucking experience. and all these loose friendships...i know enough people to last a lifetime yet i dont have a solid group of girlfriends. i know its a cliche but come on, any girl who thinks she can be one of the guys has got to be fucking kidding. to some level yea but its always bros before hoes, and maybe a group of males and females collide every once in a while. i learned that the hard way. the best song ever is how will i laugh tomorrow. by the sucicidal tendencies. weslee doesnt get it. she doesnt understand any serious songs. because she is naive. and thinks shes all zen and shit. ugh. she LAUGHED at creep. you know, by radiohead? most genius song to ever be written? yeah. i miss hermosa so much. when i go back it wont be the same as i wanted it to be, but thats good. because in a few years, its going to be even better. because that way ill be what i tried to be in the past year. i wont even get into this. too depressing. well, im talking too much. hopefully tonight i can go to knotts scary farm. oh, i was about to abandon this blog. then someone im'd me and told me to continue it. nice, isnt it? someone cares. or is at least pretending too. later.
¶ 11:36 AM 1 comments
Monday, October 16, 2006
home alone
i should be ordering pizza and blasting music, getting drunk and masturbating. but no im like, flossing my teeth and watching disney channel. i know when i move i will very seldom be left home alone. maybe just every couple of weekends. im sure it wont be too hard to sneak people in though. im so fucking tired. and my hair is really greasy. im flattered that my parents think im on drugs. but its like, HAH i WISH mom and dad. believe me if i had some junky boyfriend who would provide the crank if i gave him a place to crash, i would. but thats not the case, so. eh. family guy is funny. ugh. i dont even FEEL like doing anything. my eyelids are too droopy. once again, i wish people stayed on this late. id like to hope my blog would one day become famous but im not especially witty or charming or cute so ill just stick to knowing this will be entertaining when im older, and wishing some guy will fall in love with me via my blog. fat chance. im doomed to become an internet predator. when dateline catches me ill be like 'yeah i just came to talk'. and the guy will be all 'alright but in these printed conversations it clearly shows that you stated that you want to s*** his d*** so deep it hurt. and id be like ehhhh, my mistake? you know. ew did you know bugs eat your mascara off? i wear hella mascara too. i know im lame now but tomorrow school starts, so this thing will get a little bit more interesting. note that i said a little. i dont do much at school but slap guys who poke my boobs and promise myself i wont eat then inhale my lunch AND that one fat chicks. ehm. i wish i could become polaroid-picture myspacey. i could so be who i want to be if i became skinny. all i need to be me is a sidekick, a cigarette, and a bmi of like, negative 287. then i just be a bitter monotonous bitch and there you go im me. god im going to get the worst acne from these fucking bangs. i cant wait until they grow. dude get used to my delusional blabber. im only inspired to write my inner most feelings at 4:11 in the morning. i smell so bad. i should really shower. i always wonder if i smell outwardly. i know i do right now. im so disgusting. and i wonder why i have no love life. i mean, im already an oversized racist monotonous russian who smokes. i should at least practice good hygeine. and i should get contacts. green ones. watch. i wil. my halloween costume comes in a week .im going to be a nurse. complete with a slutty dress, red fishnets, the whole little kit thing, and a nice buzz. daniel b. better see me because i am going to be looking hot. anyways before this gets too boring ill shut up. ill be back before you know it though :]
¶ 4:05 AM 1 comments
Sunday, October 15, 2006
im one of them
so we're moving. happy happy joy joy. supposedly im getting a guest house. maybe i should just move into it? how materialistic is this but i hope its a big house. i mean then at least i can have people over. and you better belive im going to have people over. i want red walls. a four poster bed. a white comforter. big windows. minimal furniture. only black. im going to make my mom buy me new furniture. its not like its going to coast a lot. all i need is a couple black shelves. and of course my trunk. and im going to make her buy me a big new comforter, regardless of the price. and a cat. no matter what im getting a cat. a black cat. then im going to associate with my so called family. and be secluded. and listen to music constantly in my room. and not eat. because thats how fucking angsty and antisocial i am. im also going to buy a grip of dvds and watch those non stop. (green street hooligans, stoned, full metal jacket, pulp fiction, sid and nancy, donnie darko, and grease. ill work my way up from there). a cluttered space is a cluttered mind. hah. after moving for the fourth place in a year, i dont really give a flying fuck. alright. lists lists lists. i need (in order from most important to least important): my walls red, black furniture, a white comforter, a four poster bed, ipod dockers, the dvds, and a kitten. not too bad. pretty spartan if you ask me. i cant belive how seldom i listen to connor oberst these days. maybe because i havnt been a melodramatic tramp .whatever. im so confused. and i smell. by the way, i just watched elephant. great movie.
¶ 7:36 PM 0 comments
i totally fucked myself over
¶ 4:03 PM 0 comments
its like 4 in the aftnernoon. of course i think im going to be able to stay up all night, then crash out. i just woke up so no brunch. i had the weirdest dream with sean in it. like, it was me and 2 other people...one guy from my school...and we were going through this construction sight near this marina or something. i forgot where we were going. and like sean was this monster that captured us. and i got so scared i turned crazy. then it ended up just being a movie..or something...i forgot. and i was like hugging him and holding him and egh. and at like 6 am, all starved and delusional i messaged james and said 'ill understand if you never speak to me again, but im worried for what its worth'. when i woke up my mom was all quiet like she found out something that i did wrong. i still havnt checked the cup under my bed to make sure the cigarettes butts are there but i will. i want candy and coffee, but as usual we're broke. i keep asking her why she doesnt ask her wonderful fucking husband for money is he is so providing and they plan on having a child but she doesnt even have a justified answer. my whole attitude it pretty fucking gay. its such a typical sarcastic teenage outlook on life. i could just puke. see? at least ive come to terms with the fact that i am NOT mature. there are a lot of kids who know as much as i do at this age. but im not ADULT mature like i thought i was. isnt that funny? the more mature i get, the more i realize how mature i am NOT. jesus everything reminds me of sean. i am such a poor fucking fragile creature. i cant wait to get real skinny to make him eat his heart out. then ill be a total cunt. or ill be bitter. whatever. ill make it dramatic, just like he likes it, i know exactly how he likes his situations. and ill be the damsel in distress. im a fag. im planning my supposed reuinion with my SOULMATE on a fucking BLOG. and im listeninging to bright eyes. i cant even listen to depressing music anymore. i feel too fucking shallow. i really need a coffee. and some hair dye and a shower. and shit to do my math homework. eh. im going to go do something productive. not.
dont mind me.
i hearby swear to be completely honest and not just write blogs that i think will make me seem cool. not that i my last two ramble shits havnt been honest. but i know i wasnt planning on actually being serious about this. but am a total chronic liar (no joke) so i tend to, you know..throw in bits and peices here and there. so this is how low ive gotten, eh? yeah. i really wish i had friends that stayed up this late. or woke up this early. and i really wish i had gloves, my fingers are so frozen.
wow. please click that. HAH. whatever classy motherfucker wrote that spelled mousse wrong. oh my god my toaster just made the scariest fucking noise. for a second i thought i was sabrina the teenage witch and i have a letter from like the other realm. then i realized...i wasnt and didnt. it was sort of dissapointing. but only sort of. that wikihow website is seriously the best website of all time. thank god al gore invented the internet.
HAHA. oh my GOD. i promise that is worth your time
oh and last but certainly not least, how to enjoy pornography in the comfort of your own home. yep.
i have nothing else to say.
for now.
¶ 4:34 AM 0 comments
needy bitch
its been what, one minute? see im a needy bitch. needy needy needy. im dreaming of that blt and coffee im going to have for brunch. oh god and an egg. eggs. jesus i love eggs. so much. im out of vaseline. out you all have dirty minds. i use vaseline on my lips. yea you like that dont you. no for real though it looks great. its totally worth carrying around a tub of vaseline you my purse all day. this is what i get for being a nearly friendless insomniac. i SWEAR there is something wrong with me. maybe its social anxiety or my like, chronic AWKWARDNESS. all the ugly girls have boyfriends and all the fat chicks have pretty blonde friends. and i sit here in tube socks and smoke cigarettes and smear my lips with vaseline. because i am fucking socially retarded. see i wasnt always socially retarded. i actually used to have a life. wayyy back when. i was actually a kid and snuck into construction sights. and then the wesler and i would be tramps and drink 40's and call sean wolfson and hope he would join us. then one summer he actually fell in love...well, became infatuated i guess?...with me. and then i no longer lusted him. and now look where i am. and im an angsty fucking teenager. a hormonal angsty teenager trying to find myself. did i mention i hate cliches? i wont even write some of the things that go through my mind. i mean, spiritual stuff you know. really dumb cliche shit like that. because i know no one is even going to read this. or if some random nice bloke comes along (i said bloke. heh.) i hardly doubt he'll consider it. em. i want a boyfriend. see, look how lame i am! but is it a CRIME to be fucking CLICHE AND WANT A FUCKING GUY TO TAKE YOU TO THE FUCKING MOVIES AND LIGHT YOUR FUCKING CIGARETTES AND LOVE YOU REGARDLESS OF THE FACT YOU ARE WEARING GLASSES AND HAVE GREASY HAIR??????? i swear. so excuse me for hanging up on tmobile representatives and eating too much. someone is just going to have to love me for it eventually. i wish my life was a movie. no, better yet, i wish it was a fucking touch screen thing, you know? like i could have a little computer thing, every day just press a couple buttons to decide my weight, hair color, FUCKING BACKGROUND MUSIC, boyfriend, cigarettes, socks, friends, voice, sense of humor, appetite, mood, ignorance-tolerance. see? see how cliche i am? see the things i struggle with? SEE HOW FUCKING ALONE I AM. jesus i am one crazzzy child. ill be back and you know it. dwell upon my fucking lameness.
¶ 4:09 AM 0 comments
erm, class?
teach me. please. i cannot belive i have a fucking blog. this is fucking gay. im not even going to fucking do this. i hate everyone. what classy? i obviously have no class. i try, really i do. i cant do anything with class. no matter what i look like white trash. when i try to look classy i just end up looking 9 to 5-sih. i mean, its almost 4 in the fucking morning and im talking to some kid about maturbation. see? i tried to buy minutes for my phone with my moms credit card and the fucking tmobile guy calls me. douche bag needs the last 4 fucking digits of my moms security numbers. im like 'ehhh, hold on' and i hang up and turn off my phone. what the fuck is the point of having a sidekick if you arnt going to use it and carry it around and flip that shit open every two seconds. id rather be watching pornotube right now. im telling some kid to fuck a honey bear. what is WRONG with me? have i no shame? i guess not. i bet im going to eat something really fattening at brunch with chelsea. in fact i guarentee it. because im a pig. a pig with no class. dgaf, brah. im just going to go eat some socks or something. maybe stomp my foot and demand money. or maybe suck dick for blow. who knows. white trash is very unpredictable. hah.
¶ 3:47 AM 2 comments
